Build the Relationship Before You Need It

Last week, a college student asked me to name one of the most important things I have learned during my career.

My answer was simple: everyone is different.

People have different needs, face different challenges, and bring different experiences to work. I have learned how important it is to try to understand one another, offer some grace, and avoid taking everything personally.

That last part can take some practice.

When someone responds abruptly or questions a decision, it is easy to assume they are being difficult. We can start defending ourselves before we understand what is behind their response.

Sometimes there is a problem we need to address. Other times, someone is having a difficult day or seeing something we have missed.

Taking time to build relationships helps us recognize the difference.

Know the person beyond the work.

We can talk with someone every day and still know very little about them.

We discuss assignments, deadlines, and problems. But do we know what they find difficult? What they hope to do next? Whether they feel comfortable asking for help?

This is especially easy to overlook with dependable employees. They get the work done, so we assume they are doing fine. Meanwhile, they may be overwhelmed, ready for a new challenge, or wondering whether anyone notices their effort.

A simple conversation can tell us a great deal.

“How are things going?” is a start. “What has been harder than it needs to be?” may open a more useful discussion.

Then we need to listen.

Everyone does not need the same thing from us. One person needs clearer direction. Another needs more room to make decisions. Someone else needs encouragement to share an idea.

We can keep expectations consistent while adjusting how we support each person.

Make the effort with peers, too.

Relationships with peers deserve the same attention.

Much of what we accomplish depends on people who do not report to us. Yet we sometimes contact them only when we need something or when something has gone wrong.

It is easy to judge a delayed response or a disagreement without knowing what the other person is managing.

Our urgent request may compete with several others. Our proposed solution may create more work for their team. Their hesitation may come from experience we do not have.

Before getting frustrated, ask, “What am I missing?” or “How does this look from your side?”

Make time for those conversations before there is a disagreement. Learn what your peers are working toward and where you can help. Follow through when you make a commitment.

It is easier to work through a difficult issue when you already understand and respect each other.

Give people some grace.

We rarely know everything someone is carrying.

A family concern, an unfamiliar assignment, or a rough morning can affect how a person shows up. We do not need every detail to respond with patience.

We can pause before deciding what their behavior means. Ask a question. Have the conversation privately. Give them a chance to explain.

Showing grace also means allowing people to grow beyond a mistake.

That still leaves room for accountability. If work falls short or behavior affects others, we need to address it. Understanding the circumstances helps us respond fairly and decide what support or correction is needed.

My faith reminds me that every person deserves dignity and that my own understanding is limited. It also reminds me how often I have needed patience and grace from others.

Remembering that helps me approach a difficult conversation with a little more humility.

Do not make every response about you.

This is a lesson I have had to keep practicing.

When we care about our work, disagreement can feel personal. We may hear a question about a decision as a challenge to our judgment or authority.

It helps to pause and ask: What happened, and what am I assuming?

An employee questioning a process may be trying to improve it. A peer pushing back on a deadline may see a risk we have missed. Someone who seems distracted may be dealing with something unrelated to us.

We can listen, consider the concern, and still make the decision we are responsible for making.

Knowing people helps. We are more likely to recognize when someone is acting out of character or struggling to express a legitimate concern.

Follow through on the small things.

Relationships grow through everyday attention.

Put the phone down when someone is talking. Check back on a concern they raised. Keep your commitments. Give credit. Admit when you misunderstood.

People notice these things. They also notice how we respond when they tell us something we do not want to hear.

If we want honest conversations, we have to make room for them. Sometimes that means saying, “I had not thought about it that way.” Sometimes it means changing our mind.

That conversation with the student brought me back to something simple, but easy to forget in a busy week: the people around us experience work and life differently than we do.

Taking time to understand them is part of our responsibility as leaders.

A few questions to consider

• Who might you be judging before you understand what they are facing?
• Where are you expecting someone to respond the way you would?
• Which peer or direct report could use more of your attention?

This week’s leadership challenge

Have two conversations: one with a peer and one with someone who reports to you.

Ask what is making their work difficult and how you can help. Listen for something you did not know, and follow through on one thing you can do.